Sauna Weds

I walked Penny this afternoon. I stopped by and talked to Janice als0- unfortunately she knew all about my juicy new gossip because the place has been vacant 2 months ago. I found some lil kittens with their mom in my shrubs outside my kitchen window this afternoon. Feels like an sauna back here – must turn on the a/c this weekend or Monday. Chatted with my friend Cathy this evening and listened to her whine because her wife left today to go on vacation.It was cute to hear the love My mom and dad also paid off my credit card that had an $1500 limit on it so i could car insurance and dad can stop paying for it. Nothing else is going on so far! See ya tommorrow!!!

It’s Simple

The truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let’s get started!

Sunny Tuesday

 I am sitting here writing this with an fan blowing in my face. That way I wont sweat buckets like I did last night without one. My only bitch is that the damn thing keeps blowing my hair in my face. The humidity is what kills you in Kansas not the actual heat. I went shopping today! I went to Barnes and Noble to check and read computer magazines to see if there is anything close to my invention– there IS NOT! After that, I went to an store called Accessory City and bought 2 cute necklace/earring setsand some bracelets for an steal of $25!!! Woo Hoo!! I had fun and saw a couple of other ladies in there by themselves. It was an GOOD TIME!!

The Devil You Say

The Devil tells a salesman, “Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived.”

“Well,” says the salesman, “what do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles, “Well, of course you have to give me your soul,” he says, “but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the salesman says cautiously, “What’s the catch?”

Quiet! It’s Monday

Hi! I had an good weekend. I went and watched both of my church softball teams play one another yesterday. I was armed with my Pringles and Gatorade. I got a lil sunburned on my left knee. I think that i can take maybne another week without the a/c on. Not sure, will see. I finished reading my Glamour and got all my laundry done Friday night. Today everybody is being quiet. I dont know if they are mad that they have to work 5 days again or what it is. I just realized that this month is the 6th month I have been on HRT and when i look in the mirror I really see the breasts starting to develop. It was so slow for so long. Thats it for today! Love you all!!!!

Recent Quips from Late Night

“Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. … I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes … which I think is a new record. … In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot.” –Jay Leno

“McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He’s just got to go to the convention. So he’s now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they’re visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it’s called the Lazy Artery. I believe it’s a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo.” –David Letterman

“Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana’s governor, Florida’s governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching ‘Flavor of Love.’ He’s gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian.” –David Letterman

“Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, ‘Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn’t, I won’t be around anyway.’” –Conan O’Brien

Trapped In Thursday

Aww! Memorial Day is over and unofficially summer is here. The weather is starting to warm up. The high for tommorrow is supposed to be 90 degrees. I have had an long day because I got up early this morning at 9 30 i think. I read most of my Glamour and a lil bit of Allure.I did all my computer work and checked all my email by 1 pm. In the afternoon, I went out and used the clippers to trim grass I cant reach with the mower and cut shrubery on the fences. I also trimmed all the bushes on my property. I watched my new favorite tv show “The First 48 Hours” from 7 to 9 pm. Thats been my day! Have an Lovely weekend!!

Miracle Car

The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad’s car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared.

After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening. When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car – someone must have bumped into the car and drove off.

Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad’s car. Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge,

“A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!”

The Day After

Hi! I had an good weekend and i think that you did too. I watched the “Simpsons Movie“last night and laughed my ass off. I caught up on most of my reading too. I polished off the current issue of Readers Digest and the local lgbt newspaper The Liberty Press on saturday night. My mood is better this week- mebbe I was having PMS last week. I bumped into my friend Janice S and her daughter Sammi at the store before coming home. I also washed my car this afternoon- this is an big deal because it was before the winter the last time that was done i think. I gave Penny and myself an bath last night also. That was pretty much my weekend! See Ya Tuesday!!!

Cured

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”

The psychologist explains:

“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug.”

And Yahoo Screws me the 2nd day in an row

Wow yahoo , I cannot believe how much you are so dyfunctional. I write an blog entry and 2 days in an row you lose it. How inept you are!! I even thought that I would preview it first but it didnt matter to you. Anyways, I picked up my hormones, Vitamin C, and cat food from the store this afternoon. What an combo I know. hahahhaha!! It was also ironic because the bill was an even amount.After that, I went and paid my phone bill. I am, in an crappy mood. I had an headache and felt like crap after lunch. I decided to take an 3 hour nap. Maybe staying up till 1 am is catching up with my old body. The weather is yuckky so that doesnt help either. See ya Thursday mebbe I wont complain so much.

Sick Mule

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”

The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”

Bubble Bath Tuesday

Well all- I stressed about the dentist all night long and guess what. It was an piece of cake I think that I was there an total of 30 minutes the whole time including paying the bill and all. I was THRILLED to get out of there. There was this lil girl and she was absolutely terrified about everything. Olivia was her name i do believe. She was screaming and carrying on, etc. Thought that something was an needle. Poor gal!! She gave me an headache. I felt sorry for the father. I tried to stop by my friend Janice S’s house but she wasn’t home. I came home and cut the grass. Swept the yard too. Well see ya weds huh?

Curious Boy

One day a boy asks his father dad what is the difference between a pussy and a cunt and the father says well son let me show you something the father takes his boy upstairs to his mother who is sleeping and pulls the sheets down and says to the boy that thing between your mothers legs that is a pussy he said ohhh can i touch it he said no son you must not wake up the cunt

Monday Enuff Said

hi! Yes I took Friday off- so sue me!! Hahahhaha!!! Was an enlightening day for me. I had 3 people say that they actually missed me at the shop. These 2 girls(dancers) saw my car and had to come in and say hello to me just because I was working that day. Made the cockles of my heart warm I tell ya Anyways the weekend was the weekend. I dont even remember what the heck i did on Saturday. Sunday , I pruned the shrubs in the driveway. Today brought more housework- washing the dishes, mopping the floors, changing out the litterbox, etc. All the fun things in life! See ya tommorrow huh?

Desperate Hobo

A homeless person (known as a hobo) was extremely desperate for sex. He had no friends whatsoever and knew nobody. He only had $2 on him.

One fine day he decided to go to a “Whore House” where he could buy a whore and fuck the shit out of her. When he arrived at the Whore House, he asked the man working there, “excuse me, I am a hobo and I am desperately looking for sex. May I please buy one of your whores for an hour?” The man working there replies, “sure what type? blonde or brunette?” The hobo says “Whichever is the cheapest.” That will be $100 sir. The hobo was sad and said sorry I only have $2. The man working there says sorry man… to cheap. The hobo was really sad. Then the man working there says ok man… you can fuck one of my whores for $2 if you walk down the south corrider, open the first door to your right, switch off the light and wear a black condom. The hobo was like RIGHT ON… handed over the $2 and followed the mans instructions.

After an hour the hobo comes out and says… dude thank you so much… that was fucking great sex i have ever had! the man says no problem man anytime… the hobo then asked… dude why did i have to switch off the light? and why the fuck did i have to wear a black fucking condom? the man working there says…. DUDE… YOU GOTTA SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR THE DEAD!!!

Earth Day 2008

Hi gang! How are u? I didnt do anything about Earth Day. I planted no trees or bushes. I had my neighbor from across the street talk to me after I woke up. He told me that some guy at 7 am had taken my lawnmower out of my garage and walking down the street with him. My neighbor confronted him and essentially got my lawnmower back for me. I bought him an thank you card later in the day for his help. His daughter also was the one that told her mom about my first dog being found dead by my street. They really have looked out for me. Not everybody is bad in the world. I put the lawnmower in the shed out back where it is locked now. What an world we live in huh? Stayed up till about 3 am last night reading wrestling bios. Not much else to tell. See ya later…

Three Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

“So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“None. I had a perfect marriage.”

“Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.

“Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.

“Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!”

Busy Bee Monday

I have been busy as an bee today. I slept till 11 am and then had get ready to go chiropracter and eat lunch. Meanwhile- Dad was leaving me messages on my machine telling me what their plans were. My brother spent the weekend with them. I went to chiropracter at 2 and got home at 2 45 and decided that it probably would look good if the grass was freshly mowed when they arrived. i did that and got all dirty and had to clean up by taking an shower. I laid down and rested and got about 45 minutes in i think. Dad and Mom arrived at 6 pm and we chatted till 6 30 and then ate dinner at Braums and they left at 7 pm . I then did some computer work and ferget that wrestling was anb 3 hour event tonight so i was kind of lost because it was in the middle. Over the weekend- Sunday; i decided to go visit Christy and we chatted for 2 hours. I took her to and from McDonalds . Saturday – I slept till almost 2 pm. That was before i had 2 latino men in suits wake me up at 10 30 in the morning asking me if there were any spanishspeaking people in the area. I was halfasleep and told them there was an Mexican family 5 houses down. Thats the breakdown …

Retiring

Of course, some people never retire…

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!